Something to Talk About

Ryan and I wanted to provide information to friends and family about appropriate adoption language. Korbin is getting older and understanding more and more about the things around him. We want to make sure that no one hurts his feelings or makes him feel uncomfortable.

Here is some educational reading for you :
(please let us know if you have any questions)


Cross-Cultural Adoption: The Do's and Don'ts for Grown-Ups
From Amy Coughlin and Caryn Abramowitz

Do's

* Do treat her like any other kid. It may be difficult and take a while for adopted children to feel like they belong within their extended families. Treating these children like they're "nothing special" can go a long way toward making them feel at home and comfortable within the group.

* Avoid the temptation to spoil her because she didn't have everything that the other kids had in the first few months or years of her life. The most valuable gifts you can offer these children are patience, routine, and consistency -- and most of all, unexaggerated expressions of love and devotion.

* Do support her when curious strangers ask questions. When curious (and sometimes thoughtless) strangers ask questions or feel the need to comment on the circumstances of the adoption, do not let them lead you into uncomfortable territory.
Instead, gently steer them back to more suitable small talk or respond in such a way that shifts the conversation to positive adoption language that in turn lets the child know that you are on her side.

* Do respect her privacy. Adopted children have the same need for and the right to privacy as you do. They do not want their entire life story being told to strangers. If she hears you discussing the intimate details of her origins, she will likely feel embarrassed. Until the child is old enough to decide for herself how much information she would like to share regarding her background, please respect her privacy.

* Do treat prospective adoptive parents the same as expectant parents. Adopting a child is just as exciting for soon-to-be parents as being pregnant. They feel the same way all expectant parents do -- overjoyed, overwhelmed, nervous, impatient, and most of all, excited. Don't be afraid to ask adopting parents about these feelings. After all, adoption is neither a secret nor a source of embarrassment or shame.

* Do acknowledge and celebrate the differences. One of the best things you can do to show your support as well as your love for the adopted child in your life is to learn a bit about the culture and history of her birth country. Read a couple of books, especially travel books. Even if you have no plans to travel there, there is no better way to get the feeling of another country.

Don'ts

* Don't introduce her as adopted. The pain this inflicts on the child is obvious. The child is made to feel inferior, like she will never be considered a real part of the family. The rule is simple: Don't ever, ever do this.

* Don't say how "lucky" she is. After hearing this enough times, the child can be made to feel like a lifelong charity case, rather than the cherished child she is. Yes, she is lucky, but so is any child who has a supportive, loving family. And we parents are lucky, too, to have been able to create this loving, supportive family.

* Don't assume adoption is a second choice. The reasons people choose to adopt are as varied and unique as the people themselves. While it is true that many choose adoption because of infertility, it is also true that many choose adoption for a myriad of other reasons as well. Many people choose to adopt not because they are out of other options, but rather because they believe that adoption is the best choice for them.

* Don't jump to conclusions about the birth mother. Often thought of as weak, irresponsible, cheap, and worthless, birth mothers often suffer a lifetime of pain far greater than that of childbirth. Please don't jump to the wrong conclusion that these women are any different than you and me or that they love their children any less.
Most cross-cultural adoptive families know little or nothing about the circumstances that led their child's birth mother to relinquish her child. What they do know is that they love their children's birth mothers because they are a part of their children and it is because of them that their beloved children are who they are.

* Don't tell us we're sure to have "our own" now. She is our own. Those parents who choose adoption because of infertility do not secretly harbor lifelong yearnings for a biological child. Having "our own" is now irrelevant; the child we have is the one we want and it is inconceivable that we could love or want any child more. Like all parents, we have the best.

Amy and Caryn are the authors of "Cross-Cultural Adoption: How to Answer Questions from Family, Friends, and Community" published by LifeLine Press; September 2004; $18.95US/$26.95CAN; 0-89526-092-1 For more information, please visit www.writtenvoices.com.



Talking About Adoption: Positive Language
By Joan McNamara, MS

When we talk about adoption within our families and in the wider community, what we say not only communicates appropriate information and positive, respectful attitudes about adoption, it can influence how others, including our children, consider all aspects of adoption in the future. Using out-dated language, including some phrases about “special” aspects of adoption or birth, can perpetuate stereotypes (many of them negative) that devalue adoption and those involved with adoptions: children, birthparents, adoptive families, adoption professionals. Using other words and phrases can bring across the concepts that adoption and birth are both viable, positive alternatives in family building. As some children point out “Adoption is just another kind of normal”.

When thinking of how we talk about adoption in general and adoption in our families, consider how some of the usual phrasing may bring unspoken, misleading messages to children and parents touched by adoption. For example, if someone refers to a birthparent who has made an adoption plan for a child as the child’s “real” or “natural” parent, what does that make the adoptive parent of that child? Unreal? Unnatural?
Other common examples include situations when others ask adoptive families questions about how much their child “cost”, and if the family has any children of “their own”, as if adopted children somehow didn’t count in the same way as biological children. Both of these examples, especially when voiced in front of the child, bring across –even if not intended—messages about adoption, adoptive families, and adopted children as being somehow second best.

Also, although adoption is always part of a family’s journey through life, it doesn’t have to always have to be the most important emphasis in family identity or always discussed in detail (or sometimes, discussed at all) with those outside the family. Some things are part of a child’s own story and our family’s own story and not automatically shared with others. It’s important to remember this if our children are very young when they enter our family, since we might be more likely to discuss facts then that are part of our child’s personal history. Information that belongs to our child may be inappropriate as public knowledge when our child is old enough to understand the meanings. This would include information about our child’s background, genetic history, and other private, personal facts, especially negative information such as abuse and neglect.

Gently rephrasing comments, questions, and outdated language of others so that these are stated in more appropriate ways, especially in front of our children, can be one way to redirect and correct information, influence attitudes, and avoid emotionally laden, out of date phrases and words that can perpetuate negative stereotypes. Correcting misinformation at the beginning may have some lasting influence as our child grows older and confronts some of these attitudes and phrases with growing understanding.

Here are some examples of language which can bring across less than helpful impressions about adoption, and some alternatives to these which might be more appropriate in helping to bring across information and attitudes that are both more accurate and more positive.

Talking About Adoption: Positive Language

Language now out-of-date Language more appropriate

* Real parent, natural parent
Say: Birthparent, biological parent, first parent(s)

* Real child (see “own”, below)
Say: My/our child, my/our own child; “This is the third anniversary of when we adopted our child”

* (Adopted) child given away/up, taken away, thrown away
Say: An adoption plan made (by birth family and/or the courts)

* My/your own child (meaning yours by birth, not by adoption) example: your own child and your adopted child; couldn’t you have any of your own?
Say: Birthchild, born into the family, example: Our first child was born into the family, our second was adopted. Our children are great! We love our children so much.

* Foreign adoption; foreign child, child from abroad
Say: International adoption; child born in another country, in X country

* Track down “real” parents; Reunite with (real) parents
Say: Search; meet with, family meeting

* Hard to place, Waiting child
Say: Our child was waiting for us; We feel that our child was somehow meant to be in our family.

* Illegitimate child
Say: Child’s birthparents were not married

How might you cope with people who want to discuss information you feel is private?'


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* People are fascinated by adoption, and this fascination can lead well-meaning friends and neighbors to pose very personal questions. Remember that a child's adoption story is akin to a conception story. It is private, and one should consult with the adopted person before sharing the details. "That's just the way our family is." There's no need to go into detail.

* Think about language, and encourage others to do so. As an adult adoptee, I have heard this question all my life: "Have you ever met your real parents?" What this said to me as a child was, "Your adoptive parents are fake." I felt confused. As an adult, I answer, "I was raised by my real parents." It's a good idea to call the family of origin birth family (as in birth mother) as opposed to natural family (which implies the adoptive family is unnatural or artificial). Many people will have the best of intentions but use terms that confuse or hurt children.

* If your family adopted internationally, you have become a member of a transcultural and often transracial complex family. Translated into day-to-day events, this means you might celebrate Chinese New Year in addition to the traditional holidays. Unfortunately, this also means that this family member will be confronted by bigotry and will need your support and sensitivity.Your lifetime of experiences will be key in shaping your responses. Be wholly honest.

* Remember, throughout, that children are connected to you and to the family. They may not look a lot like you or your child, but they will develop similar voice patterns, talents, tastes, and interests. Don't assume the adopted child will automatically know this-it took me 45 years to figure out that I got, first, my dry sense of humor from my adoptive father, and, second, my ability to 'stretch and save' from my grandmother, a North Carolina farmer. Every Carolina reunion I attend reminds me that genetics are not the only way to pass on family traits.